EXHALE

I've never been so deep in love in my life. 11/23/2005, I was blessed with the opportunity to begin a journey with someone dear and special to me. Today, we're going to call her, LT (for lady truth, as she would call herself for purpose of humor). Our relationship was very unique to what you would call an "average comittment." LT and I, bonded as family but were connected through love. Unfortunately, I can no longer claim her to be my partner. She has repositioned herself in this world of love, and it has left me with many unanswered questions. Here's how.



Back in September of 2005, my friend Brian was going through some triumphing times at school. Apparently, he had ran into some problems with a kid named Jon because of a rhyme that he wrote about him and LT. Brian was not the type to be confrontational, so when he had problems he would come to me to handle it. As normal, I approached the situation very defensive because I took Brians side of the story and ran with it. I was involved with gang activity for a great portion of my life, so I didn't take this up and coming situation as heavy as I normally would when it came to "serious" problems. So to cut a few corners and cut to the chase, I ended up mediating the situation with LT, which is how we first met. It started off great, I've never felt a better connection with anyone in my life. I had just gotten out of a 3 year relationship right before that. I knew what it felt like to be emotionally tampered with, and I felt that this new girl LT had a lot to offer. Was I ready to take the chance? Let's see.

My friend Brian had passed away as of November 17th, 2005. This was a hard time for LT because she didn't have the opportunity to patch things up before he passed, being that they left things on a bad note because of the rhyme Brian had wrote. Now mind you, from September until then, LT and I were spending a lot of quality time together. I had positioned myself to put a title on what we had going on, but she refused to give in because she had feelings for another man...in which she did not want to enter a relationship without putting an end to those feelings first. November 23rd, 2005 was the day of my friend Brian's funeral. I guess with everything going on, she must've realized how valuable time can be. So she quickly put an end to the feelings she had for this other guy, so that she can continue on this long journey with me. November 23rd, she officially became my "girlfriend."



Our relationship was very open. My lifestyle was reckless when she met me. I was constantly into trouble, always taking everything overly serious. I guess that's what gang life does to you. She put up with it. I took my gang involvement very serious, and she respected it 100%. She did not agree with my lifestyle, but she did not want to try to change who I was. She fell for me very quick. Within a month of us dating, she would talk to me about how she wants me to be the father of her kids and for us to get married, etc. I knew I had strong feelings for her, but I didn't know how to react to her feelings. She came off very strong, and it felt good to know there is someone out there who is that fond of me, but it scared me because I didn't know if I was so sure about her THAT SOON. We were attached at the hip. We helped each other out a lot, because when she met me I was going through a lot mentally being that some of my friends had passed away recently and just the whole stress from being in a gang. I dealt with chronic anxiety and depersonalization, which made everything feel surreal as if my life was just a dream. She was there for me through every bit of it. As time went on, I started focusing more on LT, and not as much as my gang activity. She consumed most of my time.

When I met LT, she had a lot of friends. I like that about her because it shows she is social and outgoing. The only problem I had was that a lot of her friends were guys. Now throughout our relationship, I couldn't really seem to understand why she needed so many guy friends. She would battle with me because of all the friends I had and how she never really complained about my "brothers" (from my gang), that I should respect the her friends as well.



It wasn't that I didn't respect her friends, but it's the fact that I am a guy. There is nothing wrong with women having guy friends, but SOME guy friends are guy friends only because they are anticipating some sort of escalation so that they can take things to the next level. Whether it would be a one night stand, or a relationship. In turn, because we were spending so much time together, she wasn't hanging around her friends as much. Neither was I, but if I were to hang out with my "brothers" she would come with me. That showed her loyalty and dedication to me, simply because gang activity required a lot of attention. She would wait for me in my car as I would attend meetings for hours at a time. She was really there for me....



One day during our relationship, around July of 2007 LT and I had gotten into a huge argument. I don't recall what the topic of discussion was about, but what I do remember was that she was writing a paper for school and she stressed to me that she couldn't talk to me at that moment because she was trying to focus. I figured she was angry, and needed time alone as well as to finish her school paper. So I gave her the space she requested. A few days later, I received the phone bill. (LT and I had a joint plan on T-Mobile). On the date that me and her were not talking, I saw frequent text messages from this unusual number. I've seen the number on the bill before, but I didn't pay it any mind because I really didn't think it was a big deal. Now, with the kind of phones we have, you can see everything that is saved on the handset online. (I know this next part was wrong). So, I went online curious as to who's number that was. In her phonebook, the name was saved as Jae. I never met a Jae, nor did I ever hear that name before. I went into her email, and saw that he had sent her a picture of himself. The picture LIT MY FACE UP. It was this kid JT, that LT used to have feelings for before she dated me. My heart sank into my chest. LT always complained how this kid was a douchebag, because he doesn't treat women right etc. etc. So I called LT to give her an opportunity to tell me the truth. I asked her if she still spoke to JT. She replied in confidence "No." I asked her again, because it wasn't the answer I wanted to hear. Same response. So I brought the proof to her attention, and she started crying hysterically. I felt the trust barrier was broken. I mean it could've been anyone else, but JT!?!?!? She was reminding me that I was the love of her life and they didn't do anything they were just communicating as friends. Her reasoning for hiding it from me was because she knew I would have flipped out and she didn't want me to leave her. My thing was, if it really was just an innocent conversation as friends, then why hide it? It makes you look guilty. So, in the end because of the amount of love I had for her, she was forgiven.

THIS DAY CHANGED EVERYTHING. After that day, I couldn't really trust her as much as I wanted to. I was very over analytical at times, because even with guys I knew she was friends with, I didn't trust THEM. Now that I think about it, if she was so concerned about the approval of her friends, she should've made it a point to bring them around so I can learn to trust them. But anyways, I became very over protective of her and I was constantly trying to monitor what she was doing because I was scared I would lose her. So finally, a year goes by full of arguments and discomfort because I didn't know how to feel anymore. So in July of 2008, I made a sacrifice by suggesting that we needed time apart because with everything that happened, I was still holding a grudge because of how she lied to me. I felt I couldn't trust her with her male friends, and I didn't want to worry about that issue anymore. I made the suggestion that we should start fresh, as friends and build our trust up again. She wasn't very compliant, but after a while she gave in and agreed. I was single.......

In the beginning, I felt she was chasing me. She constantly reminded me of how much she loved me, and how she still considers me her boyfriend. It kind of bothered me because I felt she didn't respect what I was trying to do, and didn't recognize the sacrifice that I was making for us. I took a chance of losing her all so that I can fix our relationship. Right after we broke up, I went to New York to let off some steam. I got up with some old friends, surrounded myself with family, and kept my mind preoppupied. The fact that LT and I was bothering me a lot. I couldn't get it off my mind. I was receiving a lot of attention from women I had not seen in years. It felt good, only because I was alone and I couldn't run to LT for the simple fact that I had already decided to keep things simple until we fixed our problems. I came back from NY about a week later, and returned to the same situation. I didn't really have too much space, because LT and I were always together despite the fact that we were broken up.

A month passes by, and I left to NY again. She was hitting me up like crazy when I went. I guess she didn't like the frequent trips to NY because she would lose communication with me. When I'm in NY, I'm always busy. Half of the time I don't have service because I'm underground. That trip to NY changed everything. I came back late August to a distant love.

When I came back from NY the second time, I had suggested to LT that we should spend more time together so that we can work things out. She flipped the whole script on me. Claiming that she doesn't know etc. etc. This scared the daylights out of me. I got desperate, because I did not want to lose her. I made an attempt to bring her back into my life as my girlfriend, and she denied. She kept stating how she needed her space and time to think. She completely cut me off, the conversations we had were because I had initiated them. She stood me up on dates a few times, and constantly reminded me of all that I had put her through. She didn't want to speak to me. I made countless attempts to try to prove my love, and that I wanted her back in my life. I guess everything happens for a reason, because looking back now, I know I wasn't ready. My Birthday came around, so LT lightened up a little bit and came around spiratically. She bought me some nice jeans for my birthday, and kissed me at the end of the night. My heart screams, HOPE!!!! I went inside so happy, because I had missed her so much. I was bragging to my family as to how she kissed me, and maybe things were going to get better. A month passes by, and we're getting along a lot better. She was coming to my house, laying up with me in my bed, holding my hand, all that good stuff. She would not kiss me though. I respected it, because I did not want to violate her space. During this time, I was scared to bring up getting back together because I didn't want to jump the gun. So finally, I built up the courage to write her an email. The email basically stated that our anniversary was on November 23rd, and it had already been 4 months since we've broken up. I didn't want to wait anymore, so I told her that after November 23rd, I would no longer wait for an answer as to when we can try to make things work. Within the hour, I received an email back stating "do not wait for me." I had never felt so heartbroken in my life....WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

I couldn't figure out what it was that had changed her mind about me. It scared the hell out of me. I came to find out a few days later that she had kissed another guy like 3 days prior, and that she had small feelings for him. CAN THIS GET ANY WORSE. She was constantly lying to me about little things. Not only did she leave me, but now she's lying again? After all that we had been through? This was too much to take. I will say with no shame that I cried for about 3 days straight. I didn't know how to take it. I lost 20lbs in 2 months. Things were getting out of hand. I was chasing her. It felt like an endless race. I continued pursuing, even though I felt it was going no where. This dude stole her heart. What he did to get her there? I don't know. I didn't know what to do.

I became friends with one of her closest friends. We're going to call him "bro" because LT considers him her brother. We would chill occasionally, smoke, and just talk b.s...

One day I decided to smoke one with bro, because we we're both bored with nothing to do. I just so happened to be riding in his car. At the light, we pull up. Who in the damn world could possibly roll up next to us, out of all people? The kid LT kissed, and LT was sitting in the back of the car. Now it was one thing to hear it from her mouth, but to see it FUCKING BROKE MY HEART. I felt violated, I felt like the scum of the earth. I immediately wanted to go home, and my high was completely blown. I don't know how I swallowed that one. I guess you never really know if you're love is unconditional, until you go through something like that. I went home and cried myself into a nap. What's wrong with me? I Grew up tuff guy Mike and I'm breaking down over her? This isn't something I'm used to. My remedy? A night out with my friends and a 12 pack of heineken to the face. I didn't want to remember that day.
I had this girl named Juana who came to be one of my closest friends. She spent a lot of time at my house, helping me to vent out my issues and the pain I had inside. She was truly there for me. She taught me a lot about how to view life, and how not to take things so serious. She also made me realize that its okay to break down, and let off steam because its healthy. One night, while I was with Juana and the rest of my hangout crew, she came to my house. I was very upset because LT and I had just finished arguing about continuing with just a friendship. I didn't want to settle for friends. I guess because Juana got to see the genuine side of me, she became attracted. I didn't know how to react because LT was my focus. Juana expressed her "crush" for me, and how I can do better and how she's not giving me advice so I could forget about LT, but simply because she didn't like seeing me hurt. SHE TRIED 2 KISS ME. I pushed her off of my couch, apologized, and asked her to leave. She sat out on my back porch crying for about 10 minutes. She came back in, apologized, gave me a hug and walked out. I thought about that all night? Why does it feel as though I'm being hit from every angle? I didn't want to see anyone else but LT.

After that, I continued to chill with Juana because as a man I knew that she was a great friend, and she had proved her loyalty by sticking by my side. I don't know if it was because I was lonely, or what it was. But I started developing feelings for Juana. She did sweet things for me, like surprise visits atwork, bringing me lunch, the whole 9. I didn't know if she was trying to buy my heart, or if it was typical of her to do that simply because she cares about me. One night I had a small get together at my house. It was Juana, Priscilla, Jayson, Nino, Juan, Francesca, and myself. We had a few drinks, and we were watching a movie. Shortly after, we played a card game that required shots of liquor if you lost. We were trashed. That night Juana and Nino passed out on my living room couch. I fell asleep on the floor in my room. I woke up, and they were both sitting in my room on the bed watching tv. Why? I don't know. When I woke up I asked them to leave so I could gather myself before heading out to work. It was approximately 10am. I had to be at work by 1:30pm. Juana showed back up to my house at around 12, to bring tylenol and gingerale, as I had complained of a serious hangover prior to them leaving. That left the first kiss. I regretted it the minute she got in the car. I felt like I was doing something wrong.

As time progressed, I realized Juana was real with me, and I was stupid for not stating my feelings to her because I didn't want to lead her on in any way shape or form. About a week later, I told her that I had feelings for her but I was not willing to act upon them because I love LT. She cried, but respected it. So from there on out, we continued to hang out. She helped me out with my situation with LT. It was apparent that the feelings were there from both sides, because of the amount of time we spent together amongst other things. She was just about the only person who would make me feel better about my situation. Time passed, and Juana was insisting on taking our relationship to the next level. Should I have considered? I still say no, but who knows what it could've turned into. She was pressuring me into a decision, as well as bad mouthing LT for taking me for granted. She bargained that she would be able to offer more, and that I wouldn't regret being with her. YOU CAN'T MAKE A SALE ON LOVE!!!!

So one day, Juana came to my house and her mother was outside. When I came out her mother made the assumption that we were dating..what made her believe that? still don't know til this day. Juana calls me two days later, and starts arguing with me as to why I don't want to be with her. HER MOTHER hops on the phone and starts to yell at me for dique "playing games with her daughter." MA'AM NO ONE SAID YOUR DAUGHTER WAS MY GIRLFRIEND, NOR DID I IMPLY THAT I WANT TO COMMITT TO HER. I deaded her after that. I couldn't put up with the constant debating nor the pressure. I needed to be alone. My heart was still pursuing and shot of hope with LT.

three days later, I called Juana and apologized. I told her that I wanted to continue a friendship, expressed how I appreciate her as a person. We agreed. I hung out with her shortly after, at a bar. We had a few drinks, and everything seemed great. About a week later, she started expressing her "love" for me, and telling me how much of a great guy I was. I still had small amounts of feelings for her, but not enough to act on it. I told her I respected how she felt, but to leave it alone.

A week later I decided that I was going to move back to New York. I couldn't take this anymore. I felt like I was sitting around, lingering on hope. What kind of lifestyle is that? To love someone so much, you'd give every bit of yourself, thinking of everything you'd do different to maintain it for the second time around. All of the things you've never done before. The sacrifices that I'm willing to make are beyond reasonable, being that I have learned my lesson.

During the end of November, I took a trip to New York. Before I left, LT and I had gotten into another argument. This time, the argument was about how she feels I'm trying to hang around her friends to "get to her," amongst other things. My whole thing is, why would I make any sort of attempt to win her over through her friends? Haven't I vented my feelings out to her myself? I didn't get that part. We left the conversation off on bad terms. I left to New York with the expectation that I probably wasn't going to talk to LT for a long time. I had to get my mind off of things. I went uptown to 190th and St Nicholas, to hang out with my friends. LT has a friend in New York, we're going to call her "special K". Special K helped me out with a lot, emotionally. She suffers from the same problem I suffer from, anxiety. So she knows what it's like to over analyze things, and how it feels to be overly stressed. She is also friends with the people I knew uptown Manhattan.

That trip, I spent most of my time with my friends. I didn't want to talk, think, or hear about LT. I was very frustrated with everything that was going on, and it was completely out of my control. I felt, "damn I need to let everything happen, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." I was in Harlem late one night, walking special K to the train station. I received a text message from LT, asking if I was enjoying myself. I was happy she thought of me, but I didn't know if she was being sarcastic, or she sincerely wanted to know if I was having a good time. I responded with a simple, "yeah."

I have a sister, we're going to call her "the champ." (As she used to work at champs, which is where I met her....we're not related by blood.) My sister im's me online, asking me when I was going to return to Florida. I responded with, "I don't know." Shortly after, LT texts me with the same question. Why she wanted to know when I was coming back? Who knows...I figured why worry? While I was in New York, I went to a local T-Mobile store, to try to see about any openings for transfer. I spoke to an assistant manager from the store on 89th and broadway, as to where he said he can transfer me with a promise of promotion. MY DOOR HAS OPENED. A few days later, I was back in Florida.

When I returned to Florida, LT and I were talking again. I had expressed to her how I'll probably be moving back to New York. She expressed how much it hurts her, but that I should follow my heart if thats really what I want to do. This pushed me even more, because I knew I wanted to leave but, diablo...do you want me to leave? Is that what this has come down to? I knew that, if I were to move back to New York, I was not going to return to Florida for residency. If I were, it would not be for YEARS to come. I've reached the break point in the road, which path will I take? Two weeks later, I took a trip to NY to interview with my job. Everything went smooth, I knocked that interview out of the park! They were very impressed with my level of knowledge, the experience I've gained from the store I was in currently. I knew I had the position in the bag. I had to wait for an answer back from them for about 9 hours. That same day, I returned to Florida. Upon arrival, I had arranged a date with LT to hang out. I picked her up as soon as I touched back down. We went to pick up my friend Chino, to join us for some fun. We went, smoked, and returned back to Chinos to drop him off. The night went good, I deeply appreciated the time I had with LT. I didn't worry about her, for she was right there at my side in the passenger seat. It reminded me of times we would ride around, talking and listening to music. I used to drive ( back when we were together ) and look to my side to find LT looking at me, smiling from ear to ear. The only difference between then and now, is that she doesn't look at me as much, nor does she smile. I missed those times.....I love her...

About a week and a half later, I took another trip to New York (damn, I'm always going back home). I spent a lot of time with my family this time, as well as my friends.